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By Leader S.

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Once we had established this regular couple of hours together each day, Georgina’s behaviour settled down, we became much closer, and I slowly began to relax about that area of my life. However, I still had the situation with Roo to tackle. We were not really com­ municating and I felt constantly angry towards him. Our marriage was going through hell and I really did hate him – and now I told him that. I was so very depressed and could not see any way out of this long, dark, miserable tunnel. Where on earth would it all end?

I got obsessed about washing and hoovering. ’ Michael thought she was totally mad, but that made her even more tired and irritable than normal. ’ Julie did feel quite close to Sarah during those first few weeks as she really was a good baby. Although she didn’t resent Michael going to work, once he returned home she wanted a change of shifts. ‘That poor baby was handed over quicker than a shot from a gun. I did love her but needed a breather, but why did I feel so guilty yet again? Michael was totally besotted with his new daughter and it helped that he took so well and so quickly to fatherhood.

However, he took his feelings of insecurity out on me by behaving like the lord and master of the house, and would complain that the housework and/or shopping had not been done correctly. I began to feel afraid of him, although there was nothing to be afraid of apart from his irritable moods and angry complaints. My feelings of depression got worse and I looked pale, drained and unattractive. My children were exhausting – both very lively, very loud and very, very messy. Life was a constant struggle against the mess which was like a monster with a life of its own.

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